Thursday, June 01, 2006
8:43 PM
im suddenly feelin very overwhelmed... very filled with gloom. i dunno..., it's juz very saddening to suddenly realise how emotional fragile or how stressed n unhappy some of ur frens can be under the cheerful facade that they put on in front of others. suddenly feel so useless. it's as if they dunt feel rite in influencing ur feelins by showing theirs... im kindda rambling, but it's abit tough to put wad i feel un2 words. i realli want to help, but somehow i guess its not realli up to me if they dunt even wanna show me they haf probs... i've been thru tough times b4 too. i noe how it feels to haf to put on a front in front of others, i noe wad it feels to b suddenly cautious of urself, i noe wad it feels 2 need all the support that u can get, that shoulder to cry on... mebbe thats y it realli upsets me to realise a fren is in the position... =(
was tokkin alot 2 evelyn todae. tokkin abt all the stuff that happened over the 2 years in jc... so many misunderstandings, so many politics, so many... i dunno. somehow alot of pple always feel that the sch is a protected environment... in some schs, mebbe. but i wonder if its juz me, but i seriously feel that the better the sch, the smarter the pple there, the higher they climb, the more u c pple for wad they r. it's juz a mini reflection of the society on the whole. the fight for credit, for power... in lib exco, in the class, in pw, blah blah. it's sad tad the supposed elite of the ctry turns out this way, but it's true... i been thru huge ups n downs over these 2 years, seen the best n worst of pple, which realli opened up my eyes n made me grow up... but i guess nobody realli knew wad was happening other den a few close frens, n even den i nvr cried in front of them... there was even less of a chance that i wld haf shown anyth to my parents... tads my personality, hahz. stubborn? i dunno. i was brought up as a veri independent child, mebbe tads y i always felt it was my resposibility to solve my problems. or perhaps its the strongheadedness in me, the 'im supposed to b strong, so i shall nt fall' kind of mentality. which i guess is oso the reason y when i do break down n cry, its hard to stop, hahz. aniwae, the thing is, like evelyn said, i'm quite glad that things turned out the way it did, otherwise i might haf brought along with me a lot of regrets n perhaps hatred for things n pple along with me frm jc...
i juz read jacq's blog... she said she's quitting triple e. i realli think it's a pity. y did things turn out this way... the start pt of the entire thing seemed realli harmless n innocent. a simple r/ship... turned this way. i think she's a gd teacher, she realli puts her heart into teachin her kids, perhaps more so den ani of us there. it's honestly a pity if she leaves. some more, with so many of us leavin, i cant even bear to imagine wad will happen to triple e. i'm starting to worry... i noe it sounds selfish to get her 2 stay simply coz the rest r leavin, esp if the place realli bring her painful n unhappy memories, but it i kindda feel that if she realli likes wad she do there, mebbe she shld stay. use the happy times to wash away memories of the unhappy ones...
haiz, it's when i c situations liddat that makes me feel that mebbe singlehood is beta after all. mebbe it's coz i haven met someone hu makes me wanna risk all the unhappiness n step in2 a rship... im the kind that will think of the breakup even before the being together starts. hahz, paranoid? mebbe. i've said no a few times b4, everytime someone gets too close, i start to push them away. scared? i dunno... the last time i fell 4 someone, i fell hard. it wasnt easy to snap out of it i think. mebbe tads y. it's nt that i dowan a shoulder to lean on, it's nt that i dunt need someone there when im down n out, it's juz that i dowan the possibility of the pain n heartbreak... i think im either mad or too idealistic. perhaps for now, frens r truly enough... where's that someone that will make me lose my sense of logic again...
=lin=
P.S. im so so so glad that i haf frens like mok, jen, eve n gang, n nt 2 4gt, becca n rq, whose always there no matter wad happens... =p
you make my life perfect-`